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Theft and Battery/Transcript

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(Episode begins with Suitcase, Nickel and Baseball playing soccer, with Microphone in the bleachers)

Suitcase: Y'know guys, after being eliminated for like... a day or so, I realize I should take this competition more seriously.

Nickel: Oh, but you were doing so much to begin with.

Baseball: I'm just glad that nonsense is over with. I was scared we almost lost you.

Nickel: Yeah, we need the numbers to advance in this game!

Baseball: And, y-y'know, she's our friend?!

Nickel: Oh, y-yeah, sure, that. Right.

(Scene changes to Microphone in the bleachers with her diary)

Microphone: It had to have been pretty small to fit behind that bush, but...what was it? What if it wasn't even a bush? It could've been a shrub! (continues writing on her diary)

Cheesy: Mic! I just experienced the most horrible thing! It was a monstrosity!

Microphone: What?! What was it?

Cheesy: Your personality! Get it? 'Cause everyone thinks you're annoying! *laughs*

(Scene turns into Microphone's nightmare fuel, surrounded by imaginary Cheesy's, then gets mad)

Microphone: What do you even know about me? Huh?

Cheesy: Haha! *stops laughing* Huh?

Microphone: You just waltz in here, saying these offensive things! Is that the person you want to be, Cheesy? A person that makes everyone upset? That's the monstrosity.

Cheesy: (stands up, depressed, then walks away)

(Mic keeps writing in her diary)

(Intro)

(Scene: The Grand Slams in the elimination area, with MePad facing all the contestants. Waiting ensues...)

Balloon: Uh... it's elimination time! Isn't MePhone supposed to be here?

MePad: My apologies, Mr. Balloon, MePhone appears to be running a tad bit late today.

(Balloon glares at MePad.)

MePad: A tad bit, sir.

MePhone: Ugh! Um. *malfunctions* I'm here, guys, euhhh-uh-uh. *sparks* Thanks for waiting. *malfunctions again*

Knife: MePhone, you look even worse than usual!

MePhone: Shut up, Knife!  *glitches* Shut up.  *glitch-crash* What do you even do?  *sparks* Do you even go here?  *malfunctions*

MePad: Sir, are you well?  You don't seem to be yourself.

MePhone4: Ugh *glitches* that Tissue guy sneezed on me!  I think I might have the *dramatic zoom-in with spotlight* condiShAWn!  *error happens* But I'm probably-probably-probably-probably-probably-probably-probably-probably-probably-probablyyyy... *big glitch* ...fine.

MePad: I'm quite concerned about your health, sir.  I advise that you seek immediate care.

MePhone4: Nahhhhh. *glitch* Now let's just do the...(wiggles his fingers) aliminination. *a fluttering glitch occurs on the last word*

MePad: Do we have prizes to give to the safe competitors?

MePhone4: I didn't get those-se-se!  There's no prizes! *malfunction*  Let's just do the rundown. *screen glitches out*

MePad: The rundown, sir?  Did we rehearse that?  *Microphone and Soap exchange confused glances at each other*

MePhone4: No... *sparks* the people who are safe are... you know what?  I don't want to do this. MePad, you do this. *umpteenth glitch*

Toilet: I CAN DO IT SIR, I'LL MAKE YOU SO PROUD!

MePad: The competitors safe are Suitcase, Baseball, Nickel-

MePhone4: *glitchy voice* Hurry it up already!

MePad: *reveals all the votes* The eliminated competitor is Mr. Cheesy, with 2605 votes.  A record high, truly unprecedented!

MePhone4: *pulls party popper* Hooray!  Woo-hoo!  *collapses*

Cheesy: Y'know, after this morning, I realize that sometimes... my jokes hurt people's feelings.  I should probably switch gears to something less offensive - maybe try commercials again?

Microphone: Awww, Cheesy, you don't need to do that.

Cheesy: But Mic, you said it yourself.  I'm just a monster...

Microphone: But comedy is a part of who you are!  Just try not to bother people as much!  I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't do commercials.

Cheesy: Yeah... yeah, you're right!  And guess what?!  I found out that humor isn't entirely made up of puns!  *referring to The Big Book of Politically Correct Humor for Three-Year-Olds* Hear this one!  *ahem* What do you call a- *Toilet knocks him into the portal, Cheesy's scream is heard*

Toilet: Oooh, look sir, I did something!  I hit the- I-I- I DID IT!  Do you love me yet?

MePhone4: Finally *yet another glitch* that menace is gone-ne-ne-ne.  Now, let's get to the next challenge... *malfunction appears*  I call it - *voice glitches, challenge name is incomprehensible*

Lightbulb: *gasp* Wow I love that name!  How did you come up with- *imitates glitch*

MePhone4: No, I- *MePhone glitches massively, sparks, and shuts down, collapsing on the ground*

Toilet: Mistah Phone?  Do-do you need me to get you a pillow?  ....GET UP YA BUM!  ...I LOVE YOU!

MePad: MePhone appears to have malfunctioned.

Toilet: AHH! Do you mean he's sick?

Marshmallow: So what happens when we don't have a host?

Soap: Oh, please don't bring OJ back again.

MePad: Toilet, the fate of MePhone's existence depends on us. We need to cure him now.

Test Tube: Luckily, I'm prepared for any technological disaster, with my trusty bag of rice! *reaches into rice bag, grabs some rice, and throws it on top of MePhone4* Mazel Tov! *rice does nothing, she grabs some more and tosses it* Nyeh... *angry* Fan! You said that would work!

Fan: I thought everything on the internet was true!

Paintbrush: Uh, that only works for water damage and-

Lightbulb: *interrupts* Well, if we're gonna add some rice, you need some soy sauce! *tosses soy sauce at MePhone4*

(Mephone4 proceeds to glitch even further, and shuts off again. Everyone stares at Lightbulb.)

Lightbulb: I mean, I'd eat it.

MePad: The battery must have shorted out. A trip to MeCloud for a fresh one would be an efficient solution.

Everyone: Huh?

MePad: It's the Meeple Headquarters. *flashes MeCloud add onscreen* They have everything a Meeple product could want there. Everyone, we need your assistance.

(Nobody does anything)

MePad: Everyone, this a challenge. If you do not participate, you will suffer immediate elimination.

Everyone: *gasp*

Toilet: OH, well look at YOU! You think you're the host now, DON'TCHYA?!

MePad: Toilet, listen. We're doing this to repair MePhone. You can partake as well. How about you go with the Grand Slams, and I'll go with the Bright Lights.

Baseball: Um, can we have you instead?

Toilet: NOPE! You're stuck with ME, YA!

Nickel: Great. We need to go to MeCloud, in the sky. How are we supposed to get there?

Toilet: Ah-wai, uh- ah, Mistah Phone wanted us to use these balloons for a challenge!

MePad: Yes, that's correct. Excellent work, Toilet.

Toilet: YAAAA-

(Scene cuts to the Bright Lights with MePad floating away in their hot air balloon)

Test Tube: Can you believe it, Fan? We're going to see Meeple headquarters! Wowee-golly-gee-whiz!

Fan: YeaaaAAA, I'm so hyped! I heard it makes your wildest dreams look meaningless by comparison!

Paintbrush: Wow, you guys, I'm quite impressed.

Test Tube: Ooh! You're a Meeple fan, too?

Paintbrush: Oh, no no no, no no, not at all. I'm just surprised you're, uh, doing something. (silence) I mean, sh-shouldn't we all j-just sit around? I mean, we're gonna win either way, you know, just because your THEORY SAID SO!

MePad: Mr. and Mrs. Paintbrush, I am detecting a high level of anger here. Perhaps you'd like to hear the soothing sounds of an elegant waterfall.

Paintbrush: I don't need a- *MePad plays waterfall noises* -oh! Oh. That's nice...

(Screen shifts to the Grand Slams with Toilet, ahead of the Bright Lights)

Baseball: Guys, their balloon is on our tail! We need to find a way to get there faster!

Toilet: Why don't we cut off the tail, then they can't grab it!

Baseball: You're... you're NOT serious.

Soap: I have a better idea. *grabs Toilet and throws him off the balloon.*

(Everyone on the Grand Slams gasps. Back to the Bright Lights, as a warning pops up on MePad, Toilet hits their balloon, causing him to fall and knocking them away)

Baseball: Soap! Did you just throw a person as ammo?! What were you thinking?!

Soap: We need to win, Baseball. They're the mess, we clean it. That's all there is to it. Anyway, now that he's gone, I have-

Toilet: *appears behind Soap, starts flying erratically* OH, SO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME, *lands in balloon* AREN'T YOU!

Baseball: ...You've gotta be kidding me.

Toilet: How dare you throw me, you RUBBISH! You're just a bunch of CHIMICHANGAS! *spits on Soap*

Soap: Ahh, I'm drenched in toilet water! *starts breathing heavily, transition into Soap's mind* Calm down, Soap. Nothing to be afraid of. *back to reality, Soap calms down* I did it! I remained strong!

(The Grand Slam's balloon then crashes into MeCloud, Soap falling face-first.)

Nickel: Wow. Didn't know it was possible to crash land on a cloud.

Toilet: EVERYONE! To the MeCloud thingymabob! *Soap rises up* We gotta save Mistah Phone!

Soap: *floor tile falls off face* I'm. Gonna. Kill him.

(The Grand Slams walk to the Meeple headquarters, as the camera and music change to show the entirety of MeCloud. Suddenly, a Meeple device lands in front of them)

MePhone6: BLEHHH. STOP WHERE YOU ARE. YOU THINK YOU'RE JUST GONNA WALK INTO MEEPLE HEADQUARTERS? WELL, I, MEPHONE6, AM GUARDING IT, AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. *Knife taps MePhone6, causing him to bend rapidly, fall off MeCloud, and explode*

(Cut to inside Meeple Headquarters, where the Grand Slam's elevator opens)

Microphone: Wow, look at all this stuff! Who made all this?

????: I did.

Gamey: *camera pans to him* No no no no, that guy over there.

Cobs: *camera pans to owner* I did. I am Steve. Steve Cobs.

(Grand Slams remain silent)

Baseball: Oh! I get it.

Cobs: Welcome to Meeple, where the future is SO yesterday. How may I be of assistance?

Microphone: Well, we have a serious problem here, and we-

Toilet: MISTAH PHONE IS IN TROUBLE!!!

Cobs: Oh, you mean you're having a MePhone problem. Well, can you tell me the version of your phone?

Baseball: Um, it's a-

Toilet: MISTAH PHONE IS A MISTAH PHONE NUMBER 4!! I counted!

Cobs: Four? As in MePhone4? That's... so... old!

Toilet: *jumps up* THE ONE AND ONLY 4! *falls down*

Cobs: It's just so... yesterday. Unacceptable.

Fan: *with the Bright Lights. holding his egg* Oh, no, did we miss anything? *looks around* Wow. (to his egg) You're lucky. Your generation might get to live in a place like this.

Lightbulb: Who is this pinhead?

Cobs: *eyes Fan's egg* Hm. I appreciate that. Really, you have no idea. So, you guys need a MePhone4 cure? That ancient relic would be in MeepleCare. But first, come along, I'll show you around. Let's look at my game-design days for a bit. Or should I say, 8-bit.

Fan: Ha! He is *extreme close up* perfection.

Microphone: Guys, not to sound rude, but didn't MePhone5S and 5C just try to kill MePhone4? Didn't this guy create them? Why would he support us when he just tried to kill us?

Cobs: Oh, that's nonsense. He's my business partner. Those staged fights on your show get us a lot of product placement!

Microphone: Business par-

Knife: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, wait. MePhone never said it was all fake.

Cobs: Oh, he never told you? Brilliant! He must have wanted genuine performances, so he distorted the truth. I'm just gonna let that sink in for a moment. *silence* Well, on with the tour!

Baseball: A tour?! Aw, this is gonna take forever!

Nickel: *speaking out of the side of his mouth* Hey, someone should grab that cure! For MePhone! Maybe Suitcase- *normal voice* huh? What? Who said that? Sounded like a good idea.

Suitcase: It did... Wait, what? You want me to steal? I can't do that!

Nickel: You said it yourself. You wanted to take this competition more seriously. This is your chance, kiddo.

Suitcase: Baseball? You want me to steal?

Baseball: It's not stealing. MePhone needs that cure right away!

Nickel: Besides, no one would notice if you're gone. Oh, and I mean that in a good way. Totally good way.

Suitcase: Well, I do need to step up my game. *walks off*

Fan: Hey, uh, Mr. Cobs? Was all that stuff you said about the staged fights really true?

Cobs: Of course some of it was true. We get great product placement, amongst other possibilities, but hey, we're going off on a tangent here. This is the very garage where I created my first computer. I literally ripped it out of my parents' house. ...I don't... talk to them anymore.

(Silence)

Fan: Wow!

Toilet: *hops around* OOH! OOH, LOOKIE HERE! AW, IT'S A WIRE!

Cobs: That's... I mean... I'm glad you like it, but... what, it's just a wire. Moving on.

Toilet: Mr. Phone always loved the other wires I got him...

Baseball: *walks by with Nickel* Uh, I hope we didn't push Suitcase too far.

Nickel: Hey, we need to make sure our ally is loyal now, since Soap is getting a big head. She acts like it's her team when it's really yours!

Soap: *nearby* What was that about a big head?

Cobs: *also nearby* A big head? I can't believe you just said that about me! *goes to Soap* That makes me... really appreciative, thank you!

(As Cobs talks in the background, Suitcase sneaks into Meeple Care.)

Cobs: *talking in the background* I've never been more flattered, thank you!

(She cautiously walks to the MePhone4 batteries, as Mecintosh wakes up.)

Mecintosh: What are you doing?

Suitcase: Oh! I didn't see you there, heh. I'm just taking one of these batteries, if that's okay.

Mecintosh: Oh, yeah. That's fine.

Suitcase: Great! *climbs up stool, and grabs a battery*

Mecintosh: I mean, after all, you are only stealing it.

Suitcase: *shocked* What? I'm just getting it for my friends! I know they'll appreciate it.

Mecintosh: Oh. Of course they will.

Suitcase: Yeah! *hops off of counter, walks towards exit*

Mecintosh: For now. *Suitcase stops walking* You do realize they only care about you when there's something you can give to them, right?

Suitcase: Well, th... uhh...

Mecintosh: Betrayal is inevitable. The clock is ticking. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...

(The camera transitions to Cobs)

Cobs: Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...

Nickel: Uh, Mr... Mr. Cobs? Mr... Mr. Cobs! M-MR. COBS, STOP! What are you doing!?

Cobs: (Nickel makes a Weird Face) Why, I'm innovating! It's a Meeple Watch!

Balloon: Um, is that just a watch?

Cobs: *mimicking Balloon* Is that just a watch, how dare you! It can tell time!

Balloon: Well, so does my regular watch.

Cobs: Well, *grabs Meeple Watch* can you call people on your regular watch? Huh?

Balloon: Um, no. That would be dumb.

Cobs: *pulls out a MePhone, and presses the MeMurder app button, popping Balloon* Oh no, he's gone, who did that, I bet it was that Soap girl (Soap is shocked), always looking for trouble, anyway, the tour has unfortunately come to an end, right here in my office. We've come full circle.

Fan: Oh, full on bravo. *claps* Full on bravo for you, my friend. You've created so much! I only wish I could give to the world the way you have.

Cobs: ...And perhaps you can. That egg you have there, do you realize the doors it could open for the scientific commu- scratch that, my scientific community? I've never seen anything like it before!

Fan: What are you saying?

Cobs: I'm saying if you give me the egg to run some research, you'll be an innovator, too.

Fan: Uhh... so it'll change the world for the better?

Cobs: Look at you, thinking. One of these days, you'll be just like me.

Fan: But, what happens when the new becomes old? When the future becomes yesterday?

Cobs: Whoa! Back up there, that's enough thinking for one day. I mean, *kneels* you have no reason to feel responsible for this egg. It's not yours.

Fan: ...But I do. I won't do that to him, Mr. Cobs. I'm sorry.

Cobs: I see. Well, how about this then? You give me your egg, and I go get that MePhone4 battery for you right away.

Test Tube: *she and Paintbrush approach Cobs* He said, no!

Paintbrush: Yeah, stop getting all creepy.

Lightbulb: If you wanna get all creepy, pinhead, I know a guy. *Microphone and Nickel react in disgust*

Cobs: You think this is creepy? Once again, you've underestimated me. *takes Fan's egg*

Fan: Hey!

Suitcase: *returns, nervous* Hey, guys. I just wanted to let you all know that that I didn't steal anything. Nope. *everyone looks at Suitcase*

(Alarm goes off, red lights flash everywhere, Cobs lets go of egg)

Cobs: Unless my ear deceives me, it seems something has been stolen. But who could be the culprit? *turns off alarm* Clearly the culprit is... *camera zooms in on Suitcase, but quickly pans to Soap* You!

Soap: *gasp* Me?!

Cobs: You said I had a big head, so clearly you're jealous of my knowledge. Who else could've it been?

Soap: It was clearly Suitcase!

Lightbulb: No it wasn't. She said it wasn't her. But, now that you mention it, she is getting a little sweaty around the edges.

Suitcase: *camera zooms in, music tone increases, Suitcase cracks* It was me, it was me, I'm sorry! *opens up, kicks MePhone4 battery*

Paintbrush: *MePhone4 battery flies into his/her arms* Come on, let's get outta here! *Bright Lights run off*

Baseball: Soap! We were going to win! *Toilet eats Knife in background* You just had to make us come... clean.

Cobs: *watches Bright Lights* Oh, that? Pfft. You can keep that measly cure. You can keep that egg, too. It's just the beginning. And I'll be in control soon enough. It's only a matter of time! *slams Meeple Watch on the ground, breaking it* ...The watches bend, too... they do.

(As the Bright Lights dash to their balloon, MePhone6+ lands in front of them)

MePhone6+: BLEEAH! I'M MEPHONE 6 PLUUS! *is tapped by Paintbrush, glitches, falls, Bright Lights keep running*

Marshmallow: Let's go, Bright Lights. We have this in the- *MePhone6+ explodes offscreen* bag...

(The Bright Lights hop into their balloon with MePad, but Toilet jumps in as well)

Toilet: NOT SO FAST, MEPAD!! I'LL SMACK YOU IN THE JABBAH!

MePad: Toilet, I believe you are in the wrong balloon.

Toilet: I NEED TO SAVE MISTAH PHONE! YOU ALWAYS GET TO HELP HIM! I WANT MY CHANCE!!! *spits out Knife*

Knife: Huh?

(Toilet cuts the ropes on the Bright Lights balloon, causing them to fall, with Knife landing back on MeCloud)

MePad: Toilet, you are leading us to imminent death. I must ask why.

Toilet: Because I want to be the GOOD assistant! You always get the spotlight, and I get the hogwash!

MePad: I'm sorry you feel that way, but my intention is to assist MePhone4, and I thought that was yours, too.

Toilet: Well, it is, but...

MePad: I do not intend on being superior to you at all. I consider us equals. We both serve a different purpose, is all.

Toilet: Oh. I appreciate that.

Paintbrush: Hey, guys, hate to break the touching moment, but... WE'RE GONNA DIE! *group falls closer to land*

MePad: Oh. Quite valid. *MePad teleports everyone away as balloon crashes to the ground*

Toilet: I'm sorry I tried to kill you all! Uhh... I love you!

MePad: Apology accepted. I'm glad we can now work together without any detestation.

Lightbulb: Now, let's just get the thingamabob on the boohickey, and we'll get this phone a-workin'.

Test Tube: On it!

(Test tube pulls out a hammer and drill, and uses them on MePhone4. She then pulls out a welding torch and mask, and uses it on him as well)

Toilet: Don't forget the wire! I brought it just for him! *slides wire to Test Tube*

Test Tube: Oh, um, sure? *welds some more, stands MePhone4 up*

MePhone4: *battery activates* Just what the doctor ordered. I'm cured of my condition.

Test Tube: Um, um, actually, it's known as a condiShAWn.

MePhone4: Right right, whatever. Thanks you to, MePad, I feel brand new again.

MePad: You must also thank Toilet, sir, for we wouldn't have been able to have done this challenge without him.

MePhone4: ...Naah.

Toilet: *cries* ...Mr. Phone?

MePhone4: *voting screen appears* So, thanks to Toilet's terrible team-leading skills, the Grand Slams lose again. I can't say I'm surprised by the outcome, so they're up for elimination. *slides offscreen* Time to vote a Slam out of here.

(Credits roll)

Broken MeBook: So, you're sure it's okay if I'm repaired in here?

Cobs: Oh, absolutely. Man, it's a shame, too. We've gone several months without any patients. *walks up to Broken Meeple Computer* Nobody has even stepped foot in this room for quite some time.

Broken MeBook: Wow. Well, how much time?

Cobs: *looks at smashed Meeple Watch* Uh... I'll have to get back to you on that.

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