Cooking for the Grater Good/Transcript

Character	Scene/Script
(Scene: Sunny day, Knife feeding grapes to Trophy.)
Trophy	Mmm. Lovin' these grapes, Knife. Say, Knife, how do you say "grapes" in español?
Knife	Oh, shut up.
Trophy	I don't think that's how it's pronounced, and I'm getting too hot. Turn up the ventilation, will ya?
(Knife whips out Fan and starts fanning Trophy.)
Fan	Put me down, please?
Knife	Ugh, fine! (tosses Fan in the air)
Trophy	Up-bup-bup-bup-bup. No. Keep fanning.
(Knife catches Fan when he falls back down and begins to fan again.)
Fan	I'm getting dizzy...
Knife	(drops Fan) No.
Fan	(gasp) What a suspenseful twist! (grabs popcorn and starts eating it)
Trophy	Excuse me?
Knife	I. Said. No! Show everyone the stupid picture! I don't even care.
Fan	What picture?
Trophy	(takes out picture) Oh, you'll see.
Knife	Wait!
Trophy	Ha! I knew you were chicken.
Knife	No, I just wanted to say that you have grape juice on your chin.
Trophy	Oh. (brushes away juice) Thanks. Now... (walks towards other team members, and whistles) Hey, losers! Get over here.
Baseball	Can you please get over your giant ego for a second and not address us that way?
Trophy	My ego isn't as giant as you, fatty.
Baseball	(yelling) I'm not-
Trophy	(holding the picture behind his back) Anyway, I want you all to discover that the Knife you all know and love-
Nickel	Love?
Trophy	-isn't what he seems. Warning: You may die of laughter. If you can't resist the urge to laugh, you may wanna leave.
Cheesy	Darn! See ya, guys. (walks away)
Trophy	Alright, here it goes... (shows the picture) Knife is a girly, doll-obsessed freak!
(All the Season II newcomers laugh, except for Box.)
Baseball	Honestly, I don't care.
Trophy	Are you serious? You actually support this?
Baseball	Don't you remember Idiotic Island, that big cage we were locked up in last season when we were all voted off?
Trophy	What does that have to do with anything?!
Baseball	He had it in Idiotic Island. It was his hobby. Something to do. I had a book, Nickel had his rubber ball, everyone had something to keep them busy in there. Well, uh, except Paper, but he went crazy and tried to kill everyone. Is that what you want? Do you want Knife to go rabid and kill us all?!
Lightbulb	I didn't need anything on Idiotic Island, and I turned out just grand. (makes a weird face)
Apple	Yeah, Baseball has a fair point. I've stopped caring.
Fan	I wouldn't judge a fellow fan.
Lightbulb	Let's blow this popsicle stand. (starts to walk off)
Trophy	Hey! Stop walking! This is some serious loserdom we have here!
Knife	Well, well, well. Look what we got here. Guess you feel like a real loser right now. Of course! I know I sure would. Just remember: You're a jock, and I'm a jerk. You never had a chance against me from the start.
Trophy	Oh, go jump off a bridge. (walks off)
(intro plays)
(The Grand Slams are gathered at the Elimination Area.)
MePhone4	Hey, guys! One of you is leaving the competition in today's elimination.
Balloon	Oh! I can't wait to hear the Elimination Time theme again!
MePhone4	Uh, no, we're not doing that anymore.
Balloon	What?! Why?!
MePhone4	Because it sucks! So this is your first elimination, so let me quickly explain the rules.
Nickel	How about you quickly not?
MePhone4	Whoever doesn't receive today's prize, which happens to be a poison ivy burger...
Suitcase	Why would I ever eat that?
MePhone4	I think the question is, why wouldn't you eat that?
MePad	Well, because poison ivy results in redness, itching, swelling...
Test Tube	Blisters! Don't forget the blisters! Heh, heh...
MePhone4	Nobody asked either of you nerds. Now, moving on. Suitcase and Knife are safe. (throws burgers to both, who catch them)
Suitcase	Wow, Knife! Congratulations!
Knife	Wow... Thanks!
MePhone4	So are Baseball, Nickel, and Balloon. (throws burgers)
Baseball	Ahh! No we're not safe, you just threw poison ivy at us!
Balloon	Oh, it itches! (scratches, then pops)
MePhone4	Cheesy, Soap, Microphone, you are all really annoying, but nonetheless get to live another episode.
Soap	Yes! (dodges burger)
Microphone	(loudly) Yeah!
Cheesy	Whoah! Microphone! Quit with the tone! (dodges burger)
MePhone4	Now it's down to Box and Trophy.
Trophy	Why in the world would the viewers vote me off?
MePad	Oh, the great mysteries of life...
MePhone4	MePad, show the votes.
(The results are 739 votes for Box and 1945 votes for Trophy.)
Trophy	What?!?! You can't be serious!
Cheesy	A trophy that lost? Oh, the irony!
Trophy	I lost to a cardboard box? He's not even alive!!! (stomps on Box)
Suitcase	You monster!!!!! You're just jealous 'cause he's still in the game!
Trophy	Shut up!!!
Suitcase	Okay...
Knife	All right, dude, that's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy!
Trophy	Go ahead. Bring it on!! I've been waiting for this all... (Knife kicks him into the Rejection Portal.) NOOOOOOooooooo...
(Cut to MePhone4 with the contestants.)
MePhone4	So, anyway, today I decided not to have a challenge, and celebrate with a pizza party!
(The contestants cheer. Pizza Cutter enters with a pizza.)
Pizza Cutter	Bon appétit. (slips on a mud puddle, dropping the pizza) Oh, sacrebleu! Uh, I mean, uh, ay dios mio!
Knife	Um, that's Spanish.
MePhone4	Hey, I thought you said you were an Italian cook!
Pizza Cutter	Uh, well, you see... (runs off)
MePhone4	Okay, well, that's not happening.
Balloon	Oh, come on!
MePhone4	So now I guess your challenge today is to make a pizza! Each team gets a small kitchen and an Ingredient Dispenser. Just say the type of ingredient you want, and it'll make it for you. The possibilities are endless!
Lightbulb	Wait, anything? (steps up to the dispenser) I want the pizza now. (She waits for a few seconds. Nothing happens.) Welp, looks like you're a liar.
MePhone4	I said ingredients.
Lightbulb	Ingredients? So, pepper and hot fudge? (The dispenser generates these ingredients for her, to her delight.)
Soap	Can we have a proper cookbook, please?
MePhone4	Yeah, and would you like a five-star chef to go with that?
Soap	Yeah, that sounds wonderful!
MePhone4	Well, you can't.
Soap	(gasp and points at MePhone4) You!
MePhone4	Anyway, you have half an hour to finish, so get to it. Chop-chop!
Soap	Okay, team, let's get started on this pizza. Since I'm the only one trained with "proper" etiquette here, I elect myself for being the leader of this challenge. Any objections?
Baseball	Fine by me!
Nickel	Where do we start, neat freak?
Soap	I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Nickel	Well, you responded to me, so you clearly did!
Soap	Anyway, Suitcase, Knife, Nickel, and Box, we need water, flour, sugar, salt, and yeast. Go.
Nickel	On it!
(Everyone except Box zooms off.)
Soap	But first... (The group zooms back.) ...wash your hands.
Suitcase	Oh. Okay.
(Everyone zooms off again.)
Balloon	What would you like me to do?
Soap	Oh, right, we trust you now.
Suitcase	(jumps back) Hey, Balloon! You can help me get the flower!
Balloon	Oh... okay.
Soap	Now, we need the cheese.
Cheesy	Wow! That was a cheesy thing to say! Ha ha! Get it? Because it's cheese?
Nickel	(carrying a bag of yeast) Wow, I think you get less funny every episode.
Microphone	(standing next to a giant cheese grater) I got this grater. Now where do we get the cheese?
Soap	You're looking at it! (motions to Cheesy)
Cheesy	(realizes) Heh heh! Oh, come on, guys! That's not a grate idea! Heh heh, get it?
(Microphone facepalms.)
Soap	Get. Him.
(Microphone and Baseball lunge at Cheesy with the grater, but Cheesy jumps and gets caught by Soap, who walks over and starts grating him.)
Cheesy	Ow! Oh, come on, guys, that's de-grate-ing! (slaps knee) Can't you just let me hold on to a shred of dignity? (slaps knee)
Baseball	Hey, make sure to shred the part where his mouth is.
Cheesy	This is nacho best idea, Soap! (tries to slap his knee, but his legs have been grated off, so he slaps air) Hey, where's my knee? Where's my knee?!
(Cut to the Bright Lights.)
Lightbulb	Hey, team! I came up with, like, the most supery, poopery, doopery... idea of all time! We're gonna make a cookie pizza!
Paintbrush	That's. The dumbest idea. I've ever heard!
Lightbulb	Like, a pizza, but the dough's cookie dough, and the cheese is shredded chocolate, and, who's ever heard of a candy pizza without an egg for protein? (holds up Fan's egg)
Fan	(takes egg back) Hey! There's something living inside there! Are you out of your mind?!
Paintbrush	Lightbulb, this isn't even a pizza, it's just a terrible idea.
Lightbulb	Well, that's a little rude. You're pretty judgemental. Just because Test Tube is a test tube, you think she's good at science? Which she is, but that's besides the matter. And I'm a lightbulb, and I have bright ideas, but still.
Paintbrush	Lightbulb, I don't see where you're going with this.
Lightbulb	And what about you? You're a paintbrush, and girl, I ain't seen you paint nothin'!
Paintbrush	(gasp) You take that back! You never make sense! Every challenge we lose is because of your horrible leadership!
Lightbulb	Um, no, we won the last one.
Paintbrush	Yeah, the only one which you sat out for! This team could use some "colorful" improvement. I say I'm the new captain! (Everyone but Lightbulb cheers and hugs them.) Ya hear that, Lightbulb? You've been replaced. Now go to the Calm Down Corner.
Lightbulb	You probably shouldn't kick me off the team. It's named after me.
Paintbrush	Well, I just did! Buh-bye!
Lightbulb	(walks off) Well, there's no harm in making it anyway. This cookie pizza's gonna rock their socks off! (stops walking) You know, hopefully they're wearing socks, or something could go horribly wrong... (gasps, then keeps walking)
(Cut back to the other Bright Lights.)
Paintbrush	Okay, guys! Remember, half a cup of cheese, not too little, not too much. We need to make it perfect!
Fan	What toppings should we use?
Paintbrush	(sarcastically) No, no, no toppings, we don't want to risk it. Just make it perfectly plain.
(Cut to Suitcase in a field of flowers.)
Suitcase	Hmm, I'm not sure why they want flowers, but... (picks some flowers)
Balloon	(walks over to Suitcase) Wait! We're doing this wrong!
Suitcase	What do you mean?
Balloon	Soap wanted flower, right? You have flowers!
Suitcase	Oh, you're right! (drops all flowers but one) Phew! That could have been disastrous!
(Cut to Yin-Yang with the Bright Lights' pizza.)
Yang	Hey. Hey, Yin.
Yin	What is it?
Yang	See that pizza over there?
Yin	Yes. We're serving it to the judges.
Yang	Oh no we won't! Haha, because I'm gonna eat it!
Yin	Ha! Oh no you're not!
Yang	Oh yes I am!
Yin	Oh no you're not!
Yang	Watch me! (swallows pizza in one gulp) Ewww! (gags) Garbage!
Yin	We never even cooked it!
Paintbrush	Okay, guys, I think we have all the- (turns around, gasps) What have you done?!
Yang	Yin ate the entire pizza!
Yin	No, you!
Paintbrush	Both of you, go to the Calm-Down Corner!
Yang	No, you!
Paintbrush	No, you! (picks up Yin-Yang, then throws him, knocking over the Calm-Down Corner)
Lightbulb	(walking over to Paintbrush) Hey there, brush-fulla-paint, how's that pizzer going? (gasp) Oh, oh lord, oh, it's gone! What now, I don't know...
Paintbrush	Whatever! It's not like you did anything to help us!
Lightbulb	(pulls out cookie pizza) That I did, my friend.
(The team, other than Paintbrush, marvels at the cookie pizza.)
Paintbrush	Well, th-that's not even a pizza! It's just a giant cookie! We're still doomed.
(Cut to the Grand Slams.)
Soap	We're doing good, guys! Now Box, where's the sugar I asked for? (Box stands silently.) Box, where's the sugar? (Continued silence.) Where's the sugar?! (More silence.) If you don't quit with that attitude of yours right now, mister...
Nickel	Not like we'll need it anyway. We're running out of time!
Microphone	(holding a pizza with a flower on it) Our pizza doesn't look very appetizing.
Soap	Don't worry, I'll add my secret ingredient! (sprays disinfectant on the pizza, then wipes it)
Nickel	(sputters) ...Really?
MePhone4	Time's up, everyone. Now, to introduce our guest judges: Window, Gamey, and Puffball Speaker Box.
Window	It's great to be here!
Gamey	Yeah, I can't wait to taste the pizza!
Puffball Speaker Box	I'm starving! Where's the pizza?
Soap	Here you go! (tosses plates of pizza onto the table)
Window	(takes a bite of the pizza, then vomits) That's terrible!
Gamey	There's a daffodil in my slice.
Soap	What? (to Suitcase) Why is there a flower in the pizza?!
Suitcase	You told me to get a flower!
Soap	Cooking flour!
Puffball Speaker Box	Well, it's not too bad. (eats pizza)
Gamey	Plus, I taste disinfectant.
(Soap notices the rest of the Grand Slams glaring at her.)
Soap	What? At least we know they won't get any diseases by eating it.
Test Tube	Yeah, pizza can harbor dangerous bacteria, like E. coli, staphylococcus...
Knife	Hey, Test Tube?
Test Tube	Yeah?
Knife	Shut up.
Test Tube	Awww...
MePhone4	Well, I'm gonna not be a fat slob for once, and just not eat the pizza, so I give it a 0.
Window	It was pretty terrible. I'll give a 2. Suitcase ruins everything, I despise her!
Gamey	Well, I feel Suitcase made a forgivable mistake, so I'll give a 5, because a 5 seems generous enough.
Puffball Speaker Box	Flowers are beautiful! I give it a 10!
MePhone4	You guys had a 17 out of 40, which is really pathetic. Bright Lights, where's your pizza?
Lightbulb	Here's my pizza. (tosses it to the judges) Don't eat too much, though, it'll make you puffy! That one's for you, Puffball! (clicks her tongue, winks, and points) Am I the pizza maker, or what?
Puffball Speaker Box	(eats cookie pizza) Definitely. I give it a 19!
Window	This is fantastic! 10!
Gamey	I've never tasted such a wonderful meal in my life! I love the shredded chocolate!
Lightbulb	(nudges Paintbrush) Eh? Eh?
Gamey	Absolute 10!
MePhone4	My fat slob self loved every last bite. I'll give it a 10, for a total score of 49 out of 40. Bright Lights wins again!
Baseball	That's so unfair! That's over the total!
Puffball Speaker Box	Doesn't matter. That pizza was so amazing, I want to eat it a second time! (regurgitates pizza, swallows again)
Baseball	What even are you?!
Cheesy	Water you guys thinking? Get it? 'Cause I'm gonna pour water on you!
(Cheesy pours water on the judges. MePhone4, Gamey, and Puffball Speaker Box all get shortcircuited.)
Window	Haha! I'm not electric! (gets shattered by a thrown hammer) Ow!
MePhone4	Everyone, escape while you can!
(Gamey, Window, and Puffball Speaker Box start to make their leave.)
Puffball Speaker Box	Nobody likes Inanimate Insanity anyway. (zooms off)
MePhone4	So the Grand Slams are up for their second elimination. Go to inanimateinsanity.com and click on the vote button for the contestant you, uhh... wanna vote for.
(The credits roll.)
(After the credits, Gamey, Window, and Puffball Speaker Box are shown standing in front of a car.)
Window	So, you guys wanna carpool?
Gamey	Sure, I'm game.
Puffball Speaker Box	I call shotgun!

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