Character Scene/Script
Salt So I was like, "Yeah," and then she was like, "No way!" and then, I was like, "Yeah way!" and she was like, "Oh my god, like seriously? No way!" and then I was like, "Yeah girlfriend, heeey," and then, she was like "Honey, please." You know, I really miss Pepper. It's been like... one hour, twenty-seven minutes, and thirty-four seconds since I last saw her.
OJ You counted?
Salt (sees Pepper and waves) Hey Pepper!
Pepper Salty-salt! (they run towards each other in slow motion, until Salt runs into OJ)
(intro plays)
Balloon So, I won last time. Where's my prize? I demand a prize! NOW!
MePhone4 Where did that attitude come from? Anyway Balloon, last time you and Lightbulb jumped into the safe zone before the rest of the contestants which means that you two get to pick the teams.
Lightbulb OMG, really? Cool!
Nickel Yeah, thanks to Taco.
Balloon How come he* gets to choose first? What about me?!
MePhone4 Well if you remember, Lightbulb fell into the water before you, so he* gets to choose first.
Lightbulb Hmm... Nickel, come over here, you get to be on my team!
Nickel (walks to Lightbulb) You've made a wise decision, Lightbulb. You won't regret it.
Balloon Well, I choose Pickle. After his brave cliff dive, I now realize that-
Knife Yeah, yeah. Enough with the six-hour speeches!
Pickle (walks to Balloon) Yeah! Chosen first, that's awesome!
Paintbrush Yeah, well, there's a first time for everything. And, FYI, you were chosen second. (giggles)
Lightbulb Hmm... Nickel, how aobut we choose Knife? He's strong, right?
Nickel Fine, whatever.
Knife (walks to them) Yeah, you better choose me! Now I don't have to beat you up.
Nickel (sarcastically) Phew! That's a relief! I was so​ terrified. (is kicked by Knife) Ow!
Pickle Hey Balloon, let's choose Taco.
Balloon No way! Let's pick someone who is actually useful to the team.
Pickle Taco, get over here! You can be on our team!
Balloon What?! I didn't agree to that!
Taco (jumps to them)
Knife Paintbrush is tall. He could come in handy someday.
Nickel Paintbrush is a ​guy?
Paintbrush (walks to them) Yeah!
Balloon OJ, buddy! Get over here!
Nickel Baseball, get over here! You have to be on my team!
OJ Yeah, I agree, Pepper.
Lightbulb Let's choose Marshmallow!
Knife Oh great! A tiny weak object!
Pepper Hey guys, how about we choose Salt? She's cool, right?
Balloon No, not really. She's really [bleep]. Let's choose Bomb. He has lots of exploding fun.
Taco (giggles)
Nickel That wasn't funny at all!
Baseball Hmm, Paper or Salt. Which one should we choose?
Knife Paper. He's cool. Plus, I don't feel like listening to Salt's "Like, OMG, like no way!"
Salt Hurtful!
Pepper Hey Salt, that means you get to be on my team now! Come on!
Salt Well... hmmm... okay!
MePhone4 Okay now. All of the contestants are assigned to teams. So each team, you have one minute to pick a team name.
Lightbulb Just because we're so epic, how about Team Epic?
Knife Yeah!
Baseball It's perfect!
MePhone4 Okay, you guys are now Team Epic, and Balloon's team, choose a name please.
Taco Chicken Leg!
MePhone4 Okay, Team Chicken Leg it is.
Balloon What?! NO!
MePhone4 Now that the teams are picked, we can move on to the challenge.
Nickel (sarcastically) Finally, about time.
MePhone4 Now back on track: If you noticed, there are two large lemon trees behind all of you.
Nickel Hey, I found our tree! (kicks a tree)
Tree 1 Get off our branches, you little turd!
Tree 2 I'm an apple tree so just [bleep] off.
Lightbulb What the?! Those weren't there three seconds ago.
MePhone4 No, they were not, and I'm talking about the trees over there that DON'T talk. Luckly, we had an app for that. Anyway, you guys have to take the lemons from your tree, and put them in your team's respective baskets. You must work together as a team for this challenge, or obviously, you will fail. The team to have teh most lemons in their basket at the end of a three minute time period wins. Got it?
Paintbrush Well actually, I had a question about-
MePhone4 START!
Nickel (climbs Team Epic's tree and gets to the top)
Baseball Show off. (Nickel throws lemons, they hit Baseball, Paintbrush grabs them. Nickel drops something brown on Baseball, leaving him shocked)
Nickel Sorry dude, I just couldn't hold that one in!
Paintbrush (puts three lemons into their team basket
Balloon Let's use the useless one to our advantage. (kicks Taco up tree)
Bomb (stutters) OK, that was kinda harsh.
OJ Who cares? It worked, didn't it? Hurry up, Taco, give us the lemons!
Bomb (stutters) OJ, don't you know?? Taco doesn't speak English, only French and some other words.
OJ Who cares? It worked, didn't it? Hurry up, Taco, give us the lemons!
Bomb (stutters) OJ, don't you know? Taco doesn't speak English, only French and some other words.
Balloon We're so doomed!
Paintbrush (puts three more lemons into their team basket)
Balloon (groans) No! COME ON!
Paintbrush (adds twelve more lemons with help from Marshmallow)
Pickle You know, you could be a little nicer to Taco, it's not her fault.
Balloon Well, you're the one that chose her and she's such a [bleep].
Pickle I'll show you who's a [bleep]! (kicks Balloon up the tree)
Knife Don't worry Paper, we don't need to compete. I brought my portable DVD player.  Let's watch the best show ever!
Paper You mean Desperate Housewives?
Knife Yeah dude!
Paper (watches show with Knife) No Shelley, don't cheat on Matt, he's a nice dude!
Knife It's... so... sa-ad!
Balloon (lands in tree) Whew! Hey, I'm in the tree, but there aren't any lemons up here. No fair! The tree is rigged!
Pickle Balloon, nature can't be rigged, it doesn't work that way.
Bomb (stutters) How are there no lemons in our tree?
MePhone4 Twenty seconsd left, and it looks like Team Chicken Leg is pretty much doomed.
Balloon Oh great. You know what, Taco? This is all your fault! Taco, you suck! (kicks Taco)
Taco (pops Balloon, spits out 31 lemons, score is 31 to 32, Team Epic winning)
OJ What the hell?
Paintbrush Don't worry guys, we're still in first place, and there's only a couple seconds left.
Taco (spits out two more lemons, score is 33 to 32)
MePhone4 Time's up! And the score is 33 for Team Chicken Leg and 32 for Team Epic, so Team Not-So-Epic loses! One of their members is going home today.
Knife Wow, you guys actually lost to Taco? That's really sad.
Nickel At least we did something. You just sat there and watched Desperate Housewives and that show is terrible!
Baseball You guys are so eliminated!
MePhone4 Speaking of elimination-and I don't mean my bowel movements-Team Epic, come with me to the elimination area. It's time for you to vote which contestant should leave. (switches to elimination area) All the votes are in, and it's time to see which contestant will leave the game... FOREVER. When I call your name, it means you are safe, and you get to stay for another episode. For every episode, you will get a little gift when you are safe. (shows plate of chocolate chip cookies) This time, we have a hot plate of chocolate chip cookies. So if you get no cookie, you leave the game. Now Nickel, you recieved no votes against you, so you get to stay for another episode. (gives Nickel cookie) So are Baseball, Lightbulb, and Paintbrush, who also recieved no votes. (gives them cookies) Marshmallow, Knife, and Paper, you all recieved at least one vote. Marshmallow, with only one vote, you are safe. (gives her cookie) Knife and Paper, you both recieved three votes and are tied. We will have to settle this with a tie breaker challenge.
Paper And what might that be?
MePhone4 Well, you are both standing on a small platform, suspended over a lake...
Paper Hey, how did we get on...
MePhone4 The first contestant to fall off the platform and into the lake below is eliminated. Oh yeah, and you can't come back. EVER. It's that simple. Go!
Knife You actually think you can beat me up! (slaps Paper, he almost falls in but grabs onto the edge)
Paper Whoa, that was close! (Knife throws bowling ball at him) Ow. What the heck, Knife?! (Knife throws an apple, Taco, and a dolphin at him) Was that a freaking dolphin?
Knife Bye bye! (drops a piano on Paper)
Paper Wait, wha-(piano drops on him, he falls in lake)
MePhone4 That's it. Paper, you are eliminated. That wraps things up, so tune in next time for another amazing episode of Inanimate Insanity!

*Lightbulb was at first a boy, though this was changed around episode 3. For the first few episode transcripts, she will be referred to as a result of her original gender.